Unpublished "Rude Politely Chapter"

The publisher of How to be Rude, Politely refused to include this chapter in the book.  It was probably a well reasoned decision.  However, full disclosure compels me to make it available to those who are less discriminating.  


Because this is well into the new millennium, and because no subject herein is considered beyond the bounds of good taste, the following is offered to meet a modern need.

It has become perfectly acceptable, even advisable, for a woman to produce a condom at the appropriate moment. However, if one is concerned about the forward nature of such a surprise (usually a welcome one), there are ways to do it subtly. I was asked by a friend, who was asking for a female friend, to advise specifically on producing the condom on the occasion of a small, and presumably intimate dinner. Here is what I wrote.

"The dilemma  is the subject of a world-wide study by various national restaurant associations, including the French Institute of Culinary Arts. All face the same basic problem; whether to provide the condom from a device in the WC or simply place them at the table...wrapped in a napkin perhaps.  Some hints at their research may be helpful to your friend.

In some quarters, the preferred method at dinner is to wrap the silverware in the condom, being careful of course, not to puncture it. Some restaurants are considering this method as providing a utilitarian service  while assuring customers that eating utensils are sanitary.   

The French, I understand, are also toying with the idea of placing a large mushroom in a condom, and using it as a dinner table centerpiece. Of course, it tends to stretch the latex. They’re also doing some work with a pickle, however, the effect in the middle of the table is not always the desired one. (Women don’t mind, but men often suffer a form of inferiority or anxiety during the soup, especially when the mushroom is inserted.)

One candy company is experimenting with wrapping after dinner mints in condoms. It does tend to make the interior latex sticky and uncomfortable. There is also a fine, corn starch type powder used in some condoms for ease of application. This powder frequently changes the taste of the mints. One noted candy company is reportedly working with Trojan and Sheik on using powdered sugar instead of the corn starch. The Russians are working with salt with what I understand are unsatisfactory results. However, the Russian scientists are hoping for a breakthrough because salt is in such ready supply.

There is the Polish method. That simply requires the hostess to announce just before seating the guest(s), that anyone not wearing a condom must eat in the kitchen. She may also tell the joke about the four Polish drug addicts sharing the same needle. When a friend told them it was dangerous, they waved off the warning by noting that they were wearing condoms.

The English have found that stuffing condoms with ice cubes and placing them next to the water glass provides a means of making both ice and condoms available at short notice. While it is aesthetically acceptable and functional, this has been known to have a deleterious affect on erections.

The Spanish are known to put wine in condoms and use them in place of the traditional goatskin wine sacks. However, the Spanish have also been known to use the wine sacks as condoms, so it’s unclear how much progress is actually being made there.

Italians have been known to stuff condoms with meat balls and tomato sauce, and place them strategically on a spaghetti plate. The hostess must be certain, however, to say something like, “Pleasa no usa the forka ona thata big salzicca...” Some, but not many, Italian men have told researchers that this method can produce the same insecurity as the French mushroom technique.

While methods differ around the world, tell your friend that much serious work and research is being done on the subject. My sources tell me that what universality is missing in method of presentation is more than compensated for by agreement on style. All agree that fresh, rather than used condoms, should be used in whatever method of display is selected.

And there is always the school of thought that your friend should not concern herself with the issue at all. If her date is on the ball, he'll likely bring his own.  If she can wangle a way to get a look inside his wallet, that is his likely place of concealment. If one is discovered, she must be alert to the possibility, however, that it might have been there since high school."